Marin County Psychological Association (MCPA)

Has Your Aging Parent Told You to “Mind Your Own Business”?

by Mikol Davis, Ed.D. and Carolyn Rosenblatt

Getting rebuffed hurts.

Have you ever tried to talk to your aging parent about finances and been told to take a hike? “Just mind your own business. I’ll be fine”.

Or has your aging parent ever said, “Let’s talk about that some other time” when you bring up the subject of money and the future? Of course the some other time never comes.

Some parents clam up, change the subject and otherwise put off having a conversation when their adult kids raise it.

What are they afraid of?

According to what I’ve learned at AgingParents.com from asking directly is that some aging parents are afraid of losing their independence and control. They are afraid of being put in a home if they lose control over their money. It is frightening to bring up something that they believe may lead to loss. They are Depression era survivors. If you talk about money you could lose everything.

Their thinking seems to be that if they can avoid talking about it, they can avoid the things they fear.

When visiting my 89 year old mother in law Alice, recently, my husband, Mikol and I talked to her and her friends about why people won’t discuss finances. Alice is very open and wants Mikol’s help in managing her finances. But many of her friends are not so open. We went out to dinner with some of them and asked them their thoughts on the secrecy around money in their age group.

Here’s what they said are the top reasons why elders don’t want to disclose what they have and don’t want to talk about it with their adult kids.
“If the parents have a lot of assets, they are afraid that their kids will lose motivation to work if they know about how much their parents are worth.”

“If their kids know how much they have, some parents are afraid their kids will pressure them to give the kids money as gifts, or more than they want to give as gifts and it will be unpleasant or confrontational.”

They are afraid that “if their kids know what they’ve got that the kids will take advantage of their parents, or try to get control over the money as the parents get older” and less able to fend for themselves.

Are aging parents’ fears realistic as described here? Perhaps. There is no doubt that in some families we see at AgingParents.com, the “vulture syndrome” does exist. Some ruthless adult kids are circling, relatively speaking, waiting for a parent to pass so they can inherit. Fortunately, I don’t observe that to be a majority of adult children I see.

Perhaps in some families, kids will pressure their parents for money or try to take advantage of them. After all, financial elder abuse is a $3.2 billion dollar a year problem. Most abuse is committed by families. However, these risks are not a good reason to avoid discussion of finances.

If you are a responsible adult child with parents who are getting older and less capable than they once were, it is definitely time to get past their resistance about the subject of money and the future. There’s one good reason for this. If you don’t do it, you may have it all come down on your head when a crisis hits.

Imagine your parent with a stroke, unable to speak. Or your parent falls and is unconscious for a time. If you don’t even know what bank Mom uses, or where the accounts are, how useful are you going to be? Someone still has to pay the bills when your parent is incapacitated. If they bank online and you don’t have the passwords, you won’t be able to do much.

So, the tips for the day are:

1. Insist that your parent speak with you about finances because it’s for your sake. They would be putting a huge burden on you if anything went wrong with their health and you had no information.

2. Find out what they have, where it is, how to get to it, and what it would take to manage finances for them in the event of an emergency.

3. Find out if they have done any planning for long term care in the event that they could not manage without help at home. If they have done no planning, this is a good reason to seek an appointment with their financial adviser post haste.

4. If you have siblings or other relatives who are involved with your parents, call a family meeting. Think it through and talk it through about what you’ll do if a parent suddenly loses independence. It can happen to anyone.

It’s a bit like disaster preparedness: we are all likely to fare better if we have a plan about how to take care of ourselves.

If this hits home for you, consider a date for you to take the first step and get it on your calendar. If you feel lost and confused, help is available to everyone, no matter where you are. Your Area Agency on Aging is a place to locate sources of help.

Until next time,
Dr. Mikol Davis & Carolyn Rosenblatt
AgingParents.com

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

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Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

by Betsy Levine-Proctor, Ph.D.
CPA Chapter & Division 1

Mark your calendars! The date is June 16, 2012, the time 8:00 P.M.  The event is the debut concert of Marin Baroque, a professional level Chamber Choir and period instrument Orchestra co-founded by Daniel Canosa, Music Director, and Betsy Levine-Proctor, San Rafael Psychologist.  The program includes: Bach’s Cantata 106, Actus Tragicus, Vivaldi’s double-choir Beatus Vir, and selected Hebrew Baroque works by Rossi.  Highly acclaimed instrumentalist Shira Kammen will be featured.  Tickets are available at Brownpapertickets.com and at the door.  The concert will be held in the beautiful sanctuary of First Presbyterian Church of San Rafael, 1510 Fifth Avenue (corner of E Street), San Rafael with a reception immediately following.

In October, 2011, Dr. Levine-Proctor and Mr. Canosa began discussing the idea of developing a music organization which would include a small, professional level singing ensemble and a period instrument orchestra with a primary focus on Baroque music.  Such organizations are quite active in San Francisco, Sonoma County, Berkeley, and Carmel.  However, there is nothing quite like this in Marin County, and a number of individuals, both singers and audience members, have expressed the desire to be involved in one “…without having to cross a bridge to get to it.”

Auditions began in November; rehearsals began in February; and a strategic planning meeting was held in March, facilitated by Dr. Jo Linder-Crow, wearing her non-Executive Director of CPA, Facilitator hat.

Several MCPA Psychologists expressed an interest in Marin Baroque and attended the strategic planning meeting in March.  Drs. Meghan Harris, Past-President, Claudia Perez, Past-past-President, and Laura Dunning, Past-Newsletter Editor and List Serve Coordinator, were all there along with 21 other singers and supporters.  Since then, these three Psychologists have been providing invaluable assistance with publicity and setting up a really useful list serve for the Choir. If you attend the concert and purchase your ticket at the door, Dr. Nancy Hoffman will sell it to you.  Either Dr. Harris or Dr. Dunning will be your gracious wine pourer at the reception, and you will see a number of your colleagues among the audience.

MCPA and Marin Baroque have a surprise collaboration in store for you next concert season which begins in late fall.  Stay tuned.

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

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Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

The Invention and Rediscovery of Shame

by Mark Zaslav, Ph.D.

A genius, superhuman scientist creates two naked, intelligent, robot-beings in his laboratory.  For his first experiment, he instructs them to eat any food in the well-stocked refrigerator, except for a substance labeled “Awareness of What is Wrong.”  The scientist leaves the lab, and upon returning notes that his robot-beings are hiding from him.  He asks them why they are hiding and they tell him it feels wrong to be naked in front of him.  Concerned, the scientist asks if they have eaten of the banned substance.  Admitting their transgression, the male robot-being blames the female, and the female blames a snake-like creature.

The beings are banned from the lab and the female gives birth to two sons called A and C.  Both sons present offerings to the scientist-creator.  The scientist expresses appreciation only for the gift of son A.  Son C, in a state of envy and self-righteous rage at finding his gift unappreciated, murders his brother.

This is the story that greeted me when, ten years ago, as a life-long atheist and long-time clinical psychologist, I began to read the Bible.  In the story of Genesis, after the creation of the universe, earth and man, this Garden of Eden “experiment” is the first, and apparently most important demonstration about human nature conducted by God.  At the time of reading this, I was interested in the emerging scholarly literature about the “self-conscious” emotions of shame and guilt.  I was surprised and intrigued by the importance attributed in the Biblical story to the instillation and demonstration of shame.  Certainly, ancient authors were aware of the unique human capacities for tool making and language and they undoubtedly noticed that people had larger brains than other animals, but they chose to begin their story with an allegory about the human capacity for self-conscious moral evaluation.

While guilt and shame are usually mentioned together (and their meanings blurred), modern cognitive and social psychologists view them as different emotions.  Guilt is an emotion we feel when an act causes real or imagined suffering to another person.  Guilt is associated with a sense of regret as well as a motivation to make amends or apologize.  Research on people prone to experience guilt shows that they are more likely to accept responsibility for their behavior, show more empathy, have more durable self-esteem and be less likely to abuse substances than people prone to shame.  In short, proneness to healthy, “shame-free” guilt is associated with positive psychological functioning.

Shame, on the other hand, is associated with a global sense of being bad, deficient or inadequate.  In the parlance of current psychological theory, guilt is about “doing” and shame is about “being.”  We all experience a sense of shame when we fail to meet expectations, behave badly, or are reminded of our shortcomings.  Like guilt, the capacity to experience a sense of sense of shame presumably evolved because it was helpful for our species.  Evolutionary psychologists surmise that shame “handcuffs us to the social contract.”  The capacity for shame promotes social conformity and cohesion, and helps motivate accomplishment or achievement.  Without the healthy capacity to make and respond to moral judgments about the self, a civilization based on honor, propriety, cooperation, hierarchy, obligation and order would be impossible.

For people very vulnerable to a miscalibrated sense of shame however, almost any human encounter, mistake, misfortune, errant thought, or disturbing memory can give rise to an implosion of self-esteem including fantasies of not existing or not even deserving to exist.  Narcissistic personalities, associated with off-putting grandiose and entitled behavior, seem to function primarily to protect against a debilitating sense of shame.  Shameful states are not only painful, but they tend to be private and wordless.  For example, while guilt is often a convenient topic in psychotherapy, shame tends to be avoided unless tactfully brought into focus by a skilled therapist.

The first few pages of the Old Testament effectively summarize the characteristic human responses to shame: hiding, blaming, envy and rage.  Unlike guilt, which tends to motivate affiliative social behavior, excessive shame fuels social avoidance and victimized, angry self-absorption.  For the chronically shame-prone,  there may be a simmering sense of grievance easily triggered by feeling unappreciated or wronged.  Angry, even violent behavior may accompany these states.

In the modern world, famous but damaged people seek the limelight while simultaneously trying to hide in plain sight.  Recent deaths like those of Heath Ledger, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse and now Whitney Houston reveal that despite talent, accomplishment and wide adoration, celebrities often feel they can escape secret states of shameful self-loathing only through alcohol and drug intoxication.   Addiction is both shame selecting and shame fueling.  A history of abuse, trauma or neglect predisposes to experimentation with drugs, and the long descent into addiction provides more shameful material from which to hide.  In addictive disorders, hiding literally becomes all consuming.

The prevailing ethos in our enlightened age is that it is “wrong” to be excessively judgmental.  The irony, of course, is that even this admonition to open-mindedness is couched as a moral injunction.  It seems that try as we might as a culture to shift the object of our disapproval to judgment itself, it is impossible for our species to disengage the process of disapproving.  Research suggests that the human brain constantly and automatically makes moral judgments about virtually every aspect of life.  Even when we invoke reason or argument to justify these judgments, it appears that unconscious emotions really determine the verdict we defend.  For instance, Adam and Eve rationalized and cast blame when confronted, not in a genuine attempt at introspection, but merely to dissipate their shameful sense of self-disapproval.

Whether one believes it divinely inspired or not, the Genesis story continues to shine a light on a fundamental truth about being human.  We are the only animals that have evolved a moral sense, and the emotional capacity for shameful self-judgment is the basic building block of conscience.  The Biblical argument seems to be that without moral free will, anchored in the ability to experience shame, we are reduced to robot-beings living a meaningless existence.  In turn, undue vulnerability to shame and its vicissitudes leads directly to the most troublesome aspects of human nature, including deceit, malignant envy, rage and irrational violence.

In the end, the scientist has done his work.

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For more about Mark Zaslav, contact him at:

markzaslav@gmail.com

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

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Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

Sad Love

by Mary Lamia, Ph.D.

(Originally published at PsychologyToday.com)

Sad love. The concept is seemingly as ineffable as love itself, although most people understand exactly how sad love feels. Separately, sadness is felt as a heavy emptiness that may be coupled with a yearning to have what is unattainable or to bring back what was lost. Love adds intensity and complexity to sadness:  the desire, passion, or craving experienced with love become flavored by the anguish, dejection, and helplessness felt with sadness.

As a psychotherapist, people often describe to me their sadness as a result of love—often as the ghost that remains of the good things about a relationship that has ended or is about to end. The beautiful memories, not the ugly ones, are those that trigger what I would now describe as sad love. And sad love evokes further reminders of what once was, in stark contrast to the actuality of the present. In vivid emotional memory, sad love holds on tight to what has been lost or to what is fading away.

People who are having, or who have had, an extramarital affair seem to possess an abundance of potential sad love triggers that involve yearning to have more moments with the object of their affection or the weighty sadness of deprivation. Cheating results in feeling cheated, which is ultimately a trigger for sad love.  But the difficulty with such stolen moments is that they exaggerate a craving to have in reality what one has in fantasy—and fantasy’s impact on emotions can be profound as well as deceptive.  Fantasy indulges you by creating what could be out of transient interactions that are idealized, rather than recognizing what actually would exist in perpetuity.

On a more academic angle, I do want to clarify that love does not technically meet the criteria of an emotion, although sadness does. Given that they are reflexive and automatic, emotions are a reaction to something specific that triggers them. Emotions instantly affect your sympathetic or parasympathetic nervous system resulting in bodily changes that are experienced as feelings. And ultimately, as I repeatedly stress in blogs about emotions, they command your attention in order to give you immediate but vague information about a situation that can lead you to take action. Love can be described as an emotional state, a mood, or a mixture of emotions such as excitement, joy, happiness, or sensory pleasure. However, if we are going to be picky about what constitutes an emotion, then love does not qualify.

Sadness, however, is a painful emotion of disconnection from someone or something that you value. Profound sadness, as it relates to love, can be triggered by an observation, event, a remembrance that your love is unrequited, or an acknowledgement that the object of your affection is inaccessible. Sadness helps you to remember, rather than forget. Nevertheless, when you are sad you may think that you’d rather not remember whatever it is that triggered the emotion within you.

Researchers who had studied the concept of love among people in the United States, Italy, and China found that it has both similar and different meanings cross culturally, including the presence of love-related concepts among Chinese people, such as “sad love,” “sorrow-love,” and “tenderness-pity” (Rothbaum & Tsang, 2004). In reading that study of emotions I came across the notion of sad love that, in all my years of practice, I unfortunately had not encountered. Finding a way to articulate the experience of sadness can provide relief to those who cannot find words for what they feel.  In this vein, Shakespeare wrote in his play, MacBeth, “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”  Similarly, the concept of sad love is a descriptor that profoundly and succinctly captures the emotional impact of love that has gone sadly.

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References

Rothbaum, F. & Tsang, B.Y.P. (2004). Lovesongs in the United States and China. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 29(2), 306-319.

For more information about Understanding Myself: A Kid’s Guide to Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings: www.marylamia.com

This blog is in no way intended as a substitute for medical or psychological counseling. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

# # #

Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

Treating Grief and Loss in Children and Teens 

by Meghan Harris, Psy.D.

In “The Nature of the Child”, Jerome Kagan wrote, “the effects of most experiences are not fixed but depend upon the child’s interpretation.”  Nowhere is this more true than in the seemingly unlikely area of bereavement.  Treating children who have experienced the death of a loved one, whether through accident, illness, homicide or suicide, is always unpredictable. It is often the child’s interpretations which make all the difference in their coping and adaptation.  And is loss always for the worst?  It can rob children and adolescents of many different aspects of life; but can also bring unexpected gifts, depending upon the variables at play in the child’s world.

Grief is conventionally defined as the emotional response to loss, but it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions – even with infants.  When treating bereaved children and teens, the clinician must come to understand each of these variables in a given situation, and then explore the impact of each of these with the child’s caregivers, and sometimes with the child themselves.

The following list is adapted from The Dougy Center, The National Center for Grieving Children and Families in Portland, Oregon –  an excellent resource for grief and loss work with children and teens.

Age.  The first crucial variable to consider is the child’s developmental stage.  The age and cognitive abilities of the child and will influence the attachment bonds, and therefore the grief and mourning processes of the survivor.   Educating caregivers about what to expect at different stages of the child’s development is essential; it can often help prevent a misinterpretation of a child’s behavior or mood (regression, acting out, lack of crying, inappropriate giggling) as pathological, or oppositional.

Relationship.  A second variable is the child’s relationship to the deceased.  Was it a sibilng who died? Grandparent? Nurturing parent? Abusive parent?  Breadwinner?  The complex nature of close family relationships often means a complex picture and experience of grief.  A child may feel sad, angry, relieved, guilty, and numb all within a short time.

Support.We know that a child’s support system can help determine their level of resilience after a trauma.  Not only are external supports necessary, but the child’s internal supports, their beliefs about themselves also factor in here.   These internal and external supports have everything to do with the child’s family, community, school, and spiritual resources.

Specific Nature of the Death.  Whether the death was anticipated or unanticipated will influence the way the child or adolescent feels about it, especially in the immediate aftermath.  The cause of death, too, is important.  Was it accidental?  The result of a chronic illness?  A suicide?  Imagi for a moment, the way in which adults communicate with children about a suicide.  This will impact the child’s grieving process, not to mention the other impacts of how their peers react and behave.

As if these factors weren’t enough to consider: each child brings to an experience their own unique history, personality, coping style, and temperament.  Grief for a motor-driven child who has ADHD does tend to look quite different from grief of a quiet, introverted teenager.

The bottom line for clinicians and caregivers:  every child grieves differently.   Helping caregivers respect and even support different grieving styles is essential to the healing process for a child.  Grief work is essentially family, and even community work; rarely is it primarily dyadic between the kid and clinician.  With so many variables to juggle and weigh – what’s a clinician to do?

Fortunately, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, head of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Colorado, has spent decades developing a model of “companioning” bereaved children instead of “treating” them.  His numerous publications are as practical as they are touching.  He has outlined “the 6 needs of mourning” necessary for the child or teen to make meaning out of the loss (2001):

1.) Acknowledge the reality of the death – this includes both allowing the kid to come to terms with the reality at their own pace, and also being honest with the child about the cause and nature of the death.  Too often, my role as clinician has begun with helping a family to be honest with a child about how their loved one actually died, in a developmentally appropriate manner.

2.) Feel the pain of the loss – Often, adults try to protect children from pain.  However, moving toward the pain of the loss is the only way through it.  Some children and teens might be more comfortable expressing their emotions through actions or expressive arts, rather than words.

3.) Remember the person who died.  The person’s name is not taboo – memories, especially shared ones, often help heal.

4.) Develop a new self-identity.  With the death of an attachment figure, especially within a family, roles change.  Relationships shift.  Settling into a new normal takes time, especially for a child or teen whose identity isn’t yet fully formed at the time of the death.

5.) Search for meaning.  After a death, kids often struggle with the same big philosophical questions as adults: “How could this happen?  Why did this happen?”  They need support and encouragement while trying to figure out the meaning of life and death.

6.) Receive ongoing support from caring adults.  This is perhaps the most obvious way to help, but it’s often the hardest to ensure.  Accepting that death also impacts children is sometimes overwhelming for adults, especially if they themselves are grieving.  (Not to mention many adults in their own lives have not yet come to terms with their feelings about death and loss.)

Psychologists have a yen for the explanatory narrative.  The proof of causation, however, is often quite another story, and debate over links between adult psychopathology and early loss is lively.  Many studies point to a clear link between death of an attachment figure and later maladaptive traits.  The findings of Felitti, Anda, and Nordenberg et al (1998) conclude that strong evidence exists that “bereaved children are at higher risk of negative sequelae such as mental health problems, including mood disorders, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and somatic complaints, as well as greater external locus of control, lower self esteem, and more academic difficulties.”   Yet despite these sorts of truths we clinicians hold to be self-evident, other truths are emerging.  For instance, one study measuring risk behaviors related to unintentional injury, violence, sexual behavior, alcohol and other drug use found that bereaved offspring did not engage in more health risk behaviors compared with their nonbereaved peers (Muniz-Cohen, Melhem, and Brent, 2010).

Descriptive research is one thing; constructive solution-oriented treatment research is another.  There is a growing wave of studies which measure not just failures and successes, but interventions.  One example which elegantly interweaves clinical intervention with biological and behavioral measures suggests that a family-focused intervention for parentally bereaved youth helped modulate cortisol secretion, thereby decreasing future emotional dysregulation and associated externalizing problems (Lueken, Hagan, & Sandler, et. al, 2010).   These types of studies guide us toward constructive interventions, and give us clinical tools to use, rather than simply agreeing with conventional wisdom that children who lose an attachment figure are somehow doomed.

Clinicians stand at the crossroads between healthy development and psychological distress.  If Kagan is right, then we have a bully pulpit – or perhaps therapy office – from which we can reach children and teens who have experienced the death of a loved one. Perhaps most importantly, we can reach their families as well, and help all concerned toward the goal of healing.   When working with children who have experienced the death of a loved one, clinicians can do what they do best: listen.  Then help the adults involved to understand and empathize. Kids grow best when adults can help them process both what a death can take away – feelings of identity and safety – and also what it can give: a broader understanding and appreciation of themselves, the world, and others.

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Biblio:

35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child.  (2010).  Portland, OR: The Dougy Center The National Center For Grieving Children and Families.

Felitti, V.J., Anda, R.F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D.F., Spitz, A.M., Edwards, V., Koss, M.P., & Marks, J.S. (1998).  Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study.  American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-58.

Kagan, J. (1984).  The nature of the child. New York: Basic Books.

Luecken, L.J., Hagan, M.J., Sandler, I.N., Tein, J.Y., Ayers, T.S., & Wolchik, S.A. (2010). Cortisol levels six-years after participation in the Family Bereavement Program. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 35(5), 785-9.

Muñiz-Cohen, M., Melhem, N.M., Brent, D.A.  (2010).  Health risk behaviors in parentally bereaved youth.  Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, 164(7), 621-4.

Wolfelt, Alan D. (2001). Healing a teen’s grieving heart: 100 practical Ideas for families, friends, and caregivers. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press.

Wolfelt, Alan D. (1996). Healing the bereaved child: grief gardening, growth through grief and other touchstones for caregivers.  Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press.

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For more about Meghan Harris, Psy.D., visit: http://drmeghanharris.com/

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

# # #

Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

Arrogance is Not the Same as High Self-Esteem

by Steve Orma, Psy.D.

In a recent Psychology Today article entitled “Foolish Arrogance: When High Self-Esteem Blinds You to Risk,” developmental psychologist Stephen Greenspan, Ph.D. argues that “excessive self-regard” or “arrogance” leads people to disregard important facts and make decisions that are destructive to themselves and others. He also states, “people with violent, criminal or racist tendencies tend to have overly high self-esteem.”

This is a huge problem in my field of mental health—equating arrogance and self-destructive behaviors with high self-esteem.

A person with high self-esteem greatly respects him or herself (that’s what “esteem” means). Self-esteem, essentially, is confidence in one’s ability to think, make choices, and act on those choices, as well as feeling deserving of happiness and benefiting from one’s hard work and accomplishments.  Above all, it means valuing the facts of reality and reason to guide one’s life over the course of many years.

Arrogance (or narcissism) is the exact opposite of self-esteem. Arrogant people act as if they know everything, and anything that contradicts what they believe is either evaded or rejected out of hand. They’re not interested in facts that contradict what they feel or want to be true, because that would be admitting (in their minds) they aren’t as good or worthy as the person who knows something they don’t.

The primary error with narcissists or arrogant people is they feel they must be right all the time or there’s something wrong with them. This is a huge error, as no matter how smart we are, we can make mistakes in our thinking or actions. The healthy person knows this and doesn’t let a lapse in knowledge or a mistake threaten his self-esteem. In fact, he embraces facts, whether those facts come from himself or someone else, because he knows that knowledge will help him in his life.

Criminals and racists don’t have high self-esteem, if they have any at all. Criminals (falsely) believe they can obtain self-esteem by exploiting, deceiving, assaulting, or taking advantage of others. When they get away with it, they feel “good” about themselves because they’ve put something over on others, and they feel “superior” as a result. But, this is a completely false sense of superiority or “self-esteem,” because it’s based on faking reality (i.e., lying and evasion).  One cannot achieve or maintain self-esteem by this means.

Racists lack self-esteem as well. They try to make themselves feel better than others based on non-essential physical characteristics— such as skin color or nationality. This is a distortion of reality, as a person’s self-worth is not based on skin color but on his or her character (i.e., chosen actions).

The arrogant person, criminal, and racist do not esteem themselves (at any level), which is why they evade, deny, lie, reject, and twist facts—to avoid this realization. People with high-self esteem rarely (if ever) evade facts or rational advice because they know reality is their survival tool and means of achieving and maintaining happiness.

Dr. Greenspan provides several case examples of arrogance, such as:

An “example of Bob Smith’s arrogance came when he took his 12-year-old grandson and another adult up in his plane for a late afternoon flight over the Rockies. Coming back into a small airport south of Denver just after dark, Smith was told by the tower operator that he was coming in too low and needed to increase his altitude. He responded in his usual style, by rejecting the controller’s warning, and flew his plane into a hill, killing himself and both of his passengers.”

This example is certainly illustrative of arrogance; however, it’s not an example of high self-esteem (or any self-esteem). Unfortunately, professionals in my field often equate high-self esteem with things like arrogance or narcissism, when these concepts are completely antithetical.

In the example, Bob Smith rejects the air traffic controller’s warning, without reason, and crashes the plane as a result. What makes this arrogant (or just plain stupid) is Bob doesn’t consider the advice of a professional whose expertise is guiding pilots safely to the ground. Bob does it his way to show what a big man he is. He evades vital information that would have helped him land safely, and instead, he crashes the plane and kills himself and two passengers.

A person with high self-esteem (let’s call her Amelia) would’ve handled this situation much differently. Amelia would have gathered all the data she needed to make a safe landing, including checking her instruments, using her vision, and checking in with the air traffic controller for guidance. When the controller told her she was coming in too low, she would neither ignore this information nor act on it blindly, but rather consider it with the facts she already had (e.g., her altitude, experience in landing, etc.), and then either decide to heed the controller’s warning, or make a different decision if she assessed the facts differently. Amelia, being a person who respects herself and the lives of her passengers, would never ignore advice from a controller, because she knows it could lead to a serious accident.

Amelia’s actions reflect her self-esteem, while Bob’s proves his arrogance. The problem here is the concept self-esteem is being used incorrectly by Dr. Greenspan and many other mental health professionals. The danger with equating arrogance, criminality, and racism with “high” self-esteem, is to corrupt the concept of self-esteem.

Self-esteem means confidence in one’s ability to use one’s mind, i.e., to identify the facts of reality and use logic to guide oneself safely and prosperously through life, and feel deserving of happiness. A person can’t have too much reason, knowledge, logic, acceptance of reality and of one’s limitations, or self-respect. In fact, the higher amount of these qualities, the better.

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For more about Steve Orma, Psy.D., visit: www.drorma.com .

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

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Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

Presidential Blog – by Barbara Nova, Ph.D.

Happy New Year to ALL!! I am honored to take on the role of President of our wonderful organization and I extend warm thanks to those who came before me and a very warm welcome to those who are joining me in this new year of adventure! MCPA has felt like my family ever since I joined as an undergraduate student. I remember polling all of the seasoned members looking for a psych assistantship during grad school. I remember Diane Suffridge extending a vote of confidence by inviting me to be the first student member of the MCPA Board. As many of you know, Fred Rozendal, our esteemed treasurer and my beloved Husband, and I met in MCPA over 10 years ago. Life brings many surprises, as we all know, and I feel I have been very blessed with the camaraderie and support of all my MCPA colleagues and buddies over this last decade. I pledge to offer you my very best efforts and support in the role as president.

In terms of a vision for the year, I see us striving to serve our Marin Community with even more excellent, effective psychological services, especially collaborative and integrative services, as well as supporting our own members in their professional endeavors. Nancy Hoffman, our new CE Chair, Meghan Harris, Past President, Haleh Kashani, President-Elect, and I are beginning to plan the CE Calendar for the year. We have some very exciting opportunities, including possible topics such as law & ethics, child & adolescent psychiatry, collaborative mediation & therapy, marketing our practices in the age of instant info, and two possible special events in May, one with Lonnie Barbach speaking about “Sex after 60”. We will be voting on some changes to the by-laws in early Spring. If anyone is interested in serving on the Board or on a Committee, please give me a call or email – we currently have an opening for our Diversity & Social Justice Chair and many committees are in need of support – either on-going or with a single event/task. I would like to extend a special welcome to all new members and I’m looking forward to seeing and meeting you at one or more of our fun-filled events. My feeling is, and I hear the sentiment echoed in many members’ comments, that the best part of belonging to MCPA is getting to know like-minded professionals who readily share their knowledge and expertise, as well as their friendship. Look for emails with details about the upcoming Annual Meeting on Feb 24 from 6-9 at the Mind Therapy Clinic in Corte Madera and MORE!!!

Also check the Calendar on the MCPA website frequently for details and updates. Please don’t hesitate to contact me with feedback, questions, and suggestions. We can serve you better if we hear what you want and need.

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

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Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

The Growing Importance Of The Family System When Conducting Individual Psychotherapy

By Beth Cooper Tabakin, Ph.D., and A. Rodney (Rod) Nurse, PhD, ABPP

We have learned in recent years the marked importance for the growing child of the earliest family system— in addition to the developing dyadic relationships with each individual “caring for” person. We have also found out much more in recent years about how these personal attachment experiences within the early family system shape adult relationships and how the initial family system forms the context for our development through life stages. In the opinion of these authors we have reached a tipping point whereby even the psychologist conducting individual psychotherapy needs to consider obtaining a direct understanding of the specific patient’s family system, not simply learning about it through the patient’s eyes, as important as it is to understand that. This is similar to how a psychologist practicing primarily couple or family therapy needs to take account of new developments in understanding the individuals.

One of the more frequent reasons for a distressed individual to seek psychotherapy stems from suffering during the difficulty of making a life transition smoothly—from home to school, into adolescence, first year in college, a new or failed relationship, a marriage, the first baby, etc. What a reasonably functioning family system can do is smooth the way and support the process of these transitions so that the individual makes the change adequately and does not need to become a patient or does so for only a short time.

Conversely, when a family system has difficulty functioning around a family member’s life transition, that suffering individual may seek help from a psychologist. Given the patient’s suffering there is little reason to assume that the patient’s view of their family is, by an objective view, accurate (nor may the family member’s view of the patient be presumed accurate).  The psychologist, to be most responsible to their individual patient, needs to obtain his or her objective view of the family through assessment procedures of interviewing the family and at least obtaining some results from application of selected inventories or tests. The argument may be made that this model may not fit all patients.

However, to discover that a particular patient and their family does not fit the model is worthwhile information itself in planning and carrying out treatment, or calling for further assessment before moving ahead. At the same time, knowing just how the individual patient and family fit together can be a tremendous advantage in planning and executing therapy, anticipating strengths and vulnerabilities.

Underpinning our thesis we suggest two books and a new journal: One book by Jeffrey J. Magnavita (2005), Personality-Guided Relational Psychotherapy; and another book, edited by James H. Bray & Mark Stanton (2009), Handbook of Family Psychology. We also point to a new development in family psychology, the American Psychological Association (APA) has collaborated with the Society for Family Psychology (Division 43) to found a new APA Journal (initial issue March 2012) titled Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, with “a focus on “the intersection of research and practice” (Stanton, 2011). This APA journal “reflects original research and/or clinical innovation (our emphasis)” (Stanton, 2011). (Disclosure: Dr. Nurse is Consulting Editor for the journal).

Authors:

Beth Cooper Tabakin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in independent practice in San Anselmo, California.  She serves on the boards of Division 1, CPA, and Marin County Psychological Association (MCPA).  She is a past president of MCPA and their current GAC Representative. Her website is: http://lifeafterbreakfast.org/

A. Rodney (Rod) Nurse PhD, ABPP Clinical Psychology and in Couple and Family Psychology. He is the Immediate Past President of the American Board of Couple and Family Psychology (of ABPP) and is the author (1999) of Family Assessment: Effective Uses of Psychological Tests with Couples and Families. New York: Wiley. His website is: http://www.rodnurse.com/

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

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Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

For more about Victor Yalom, Ph.D.: http://www.psychotherapy.net

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

# # #

Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.

Pride: A turbo-charge for motivation or a social nemesis?

by Mary Lamia, Ph.D.

(Originally published at PsychologyToday.com)

You may not consider emotions as a source of motivation or a fuel that helps you to attain a goal. Yet a primary purpose of emotions is to activate, direct, and motivate your efforts toward achieving objectives. Thus, emotions drive action and they are a major ally in goal directedness and accomplishment. Certainly, this is the case for the emotion of pride.

Pride ignites a positive appraisal of the self that can create feelings of optimism and worthiness. The expression of pride informs others of your value, and you can likely imagine the difference in facial expression and posture when pride is felt in contrast to an emotion such as shame. In social situations, pride alerts others to your confidence and importance, and perhaps even more so when a prideful expression is coupled with captivating humility.

Unlike self-esteem, which has more to do with a general attitude about one’s own worth, pride is triggered in response to a specific accomplishment, an achievement, an event, or a measure of performance. Such temporary bursts of positive emotion can powerfully influence us, as David Brooks (2011) has pointed out in a recent New York Times opinion piece. As a result, experiencing pride because of a success can lead you to imagine further and even larger achievements (Fredrickson & Branigan, 2001). Motivation to persevere in your attempts to achieve a long-term goal, or to sustain effort in a negative situation, can be aided by experiences that trigger the emotion of pride (Williams & DeSteno, 2008).

Given its involvement in self-evaluation and in the relationships you have with others, pride is considered a self-conscious and social emotion along with embarrassment, guilt, and shame. But where pride has a positive valence, embarrassment, guilt, and shame are associated with the evocation of painful feelings (see previous PT blogs on “Shame: A Concealed, Contagious, and Dangerous Emotion” and “Whatever Happened to Guilt?“).

Yet these self-conscious emotions can interact, such as when you experience embarrassment, shame, or guilt in response to pride. For example, although you may gear your efforts toward accomplishments that will trigger pride, experiencing the emotion may subsequently trigger shame about your desire for recognition, guilt about leaving others behind, or embarrassment when others acknowledge your achievement. On the other hand, the emotion of pride can be triggered simply from refraining from an activity that will otherwise trigger shame or guilt.

While pride in an achievement can instill you with confidence, it can potentially create an attitude that is overly confident. But is such overconfidence necessarily maladaptive? Actually, being overconfident can be highly adaptive or, perhaps, even profitable.  Although overconfidence can, at times, lead to flawed assessments, idealistic expectations, and risky decisions, it can encourage you to compete, rather than retreat, in situations where you are capable of winning; and it has positive effects on ambition, credibility, and morale (Johnson & Fowler, 2011).  Being confident, or even overly confident, allows you to be in the game.  Situations that potentially may lead to failure or defeat are sometimes perceived as far too risky. Yet not playing the game unless you’re going to win may be overprotecting your general sense of pride.

Overconfidence is considered to be the best strategy when there is uncertainty about the strength of an opponent and the outcome, and where the costs incurred are less than the value of competing or fighting for the resource (Johnson and Fowler, 2011). In evolutionary terms, fighting for and subsequently winning a desirable mate may be worth the risk of sustaining a serious injury. But this also can apply more broadly to the use of deception in business, such as when the potential consequences that may result from false marketing or advertising are seen as worth the value of securing consumers. Such overconfidence that weighs the costs incurred in competing as less than the value of the resource often disregards risk to others.  In this case, even though such risk can result in consumer disappointment, anger, or lawsuits, these are likely seen as less expensive then losing the competitive venture.

Pride doesn’t make you self-centered, but it can characterize narcissism. Hubristic pride, which represents a more global and overly self-confident attitude, can be a result of the narcissistic cognition that who you are translates to being precious or highly valued. Since the evolutionary purpose of self-conscious and social emotions has to do with functioning within a group, pride indicates status to others and its expression can raise social standing. However, where pride can motivate behaviors that are geared toward the attainment of status, hubris falsely promotes it and may have evolved as an attempt to convince others of success even when it is unwarranted (Tracy & Robbins, 2007). Likely you are aware of people who have falsely acquired social standing with self-confidence that lacks a portfolio. Nevertheless, spurious pride is convincing and alluring whether it’s an attribute of an adolescent who uses it to extort popularity or a trait of a narcissistic leader.

For more information about Understanding Myself: A Kid’s Guide to Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings: http://www.marylamia.com

References

Brooks, D. (2011, September 30). The Limits of Empathy. The New York Times, p. A25.

Fredrickson, B. L., & Branigan, C. (2001). Positive emotions. In T. J. Mayne & G. A. Bonanno (Eds.), Emotions: Current issues and future directions (pp. 123–151), New York: Guilford Press.

Johnson D.  & Fowler, J. (2011). The evolution of overconfidence. Nature, 477, 317–320.

Tracy, J. and Robbins, R. (2007). Emerging insights into the nature and function of pride. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(3), 147-150.

Williams, L. and DeSteno, D. Pride and Perseverance: The Motivational Role of Pride. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(6), 1007–1017

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Please visit http://www.marincountypsych.org for more information about our association and membership benefits or to locate a licensed clinical psychologist in Marin County.

# # #

Blog Disclaimer:

The opinions expressed by the authors are their own and do not reflect the opinions of the Marin County Psychological Association. The information posted on this blog is not intended as, and is not, a substitute for professional mental health services.